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A Mom’s Ultimate Top 10 Turn-Ons

Seriously guys… this is big.

Husbands?  Yes, I’m talking to you.  This post is written especially for you. Consider me your ultimate wing-“man” right now because I am going to tell you exactly what turns your wife on.  And I assure you, if you implement any, some, or all (OMG did it just get hot in here?) of these suggestions, your marriage will be filled with much happiness and a whole lot of love.

I know you’re scared. I know a part of you doesn’t even feel worthy. But listen up, take it in, and use every single suggestion!

Now that I’ve got your attention, shut off the game that you’re either watching or playing – sorry, I know you’re doing one of the two so just pause it, okay?! Pay attention!

Sorry that I had to get a little forceful but this is important so treat it that way.  I think we are clear but it bears repeating; say any of these things to your wife and you will be rewarded handsomely!

So without further ado, here is the list!

A Mom’s Ultimate Top 10 Turn-Ons:

    1. Good morning, beautiful.  I made you coffee.
      Coffee is happiness in liquid form. It’s also our lifeblood as Moms. So, make it, buy it, and serve it often.
    2. How about I entertain the kids while you go and take a shower?! Take as long as you’d like. I washed your favorite comfy fleece pajamas and socks for you to put on afterward.
      Okay that last part is gravy but having the time to shower without little people screaming our name while simultaneously pounding on the door is such a gift.
    3. The baby just pooped. Don’t get up!  I’ll change him.
      This one doesn’t really need further explanation but trust me when I say that being able to avoid seeing or smelling poop at least once in a while is a real treat for us.
    4. I’m going to vacuum the rug now. It looks a little dirty.
      If you see something is messy, rest assured we already noticed it. Either we haven’t had a spare minute to clean it ourselves or we just don’t have the energy right now to do it. Either way, you taking care of a noticeable mess means we don’t have to and I cannot stress enough how great that it.
    5. I put clean sheets on our bed and started a load of laundry.
      We don’t get to spoil ourselves too often as Mommies and that is actually something that is totally okay with us. However, we do look forward to the little joys in life and one of those is the feeling of getting into bed after a long day and enjoying clean sheets once in a while. And the laundry pile never seems to dwindle so if you help fight the good fight against dirty laundry it is greatly appreciated.
    6. I’m sorry. I only made Mac & Cheese for dinner.
      Please trust me.  If dinner is made, we don’t care what it is. We didn’t have to cook it so it’s automatically delicious.  I’m certain, “automatically delicious” would have been Lucky’s slogan had the Lucky Charm’s Leprechaun been a girl.  We don’t need dinner to be “magically delicious” by any stretch.  Edible is just fine.  And for the record, we love Mac & Cheese.
    7. I know you were up a lot last night with the kids. I’ll take the kids outside to play for a few and you can go take a nap.
      We are tired pretty much all of the time. It’s difficult to be Mommy. It’s nonstop. So, if we can get any extra rest in at any point in time, we’ll smile, take it, and be forever grateful.
    8. I emptied the dishwasher and put all the dishes away.
      Emptying the dishwasher, even if it’s filled to the brim, only takes about 5 minutes. But do you know how many 5 minute chore-type activities we do during the course of day? Like a million!  Okay, so it’s not a million but that’s what it seems like!  And getting to do even one less chore, is more than fine with us!
    9. I just finished cleaning the bathrooms.
      To be honest, you can’t ever go wrong with saying the words “I cleaned”.  Whatever follows those two magical words almost doesn’t even matter. If you cleaned anything, it’s just wonderful. The end.
    10. The kids are asleep. I poured you a glass of wine.
      I’m not going to bother explaining this one. Just get out the glass and pour.

You’re welcome.

I Am Entitled to My Own Pity Party

I’m not sure if I am the only one who does this.  Sometimes, more often than I’d like to admit, I feel bad for myself.  And immediately… and I’m talking seconds after these feelings creep in… I feel an insurmountable level of guilt about ever having had these feelings in the first place.

Then, I have an internal dialogue with myself where I tell myself that I do not deserve to feel badly for myself.  I tell myself that my life is amazing.  My children, my husband, my parents, and those that I love the most in this world are healthy and safe.  I am healthy and safe.  We don’t worry about where our next meal is coming from.  We have a nice home.  I really do not deserve, even for a second, to feel badly for myself.  There is nothing to feel bad about so suck it up and stop it…. RIGHT NOW!

This little pep talk that I have with myself, more often than not, gets me out of the momentary funk that I am in, and I table those feelings of self-pity typically for the remainder of the day.  But eventually these feelings return and I go through the above process again and again.  What I’ve realized recently is that we all have feelings for a reason and I am becoming a believer that the healthiest way to live is to not downplay your feelings but rather to embrace them.

It’s okay to feel bad for yourself sometimes.

Now, when I feel bad for myself instead of trying to deny the way that I’m feeling, I cry – if I need to.  I do.  Typically, I cry in the car on the way to work or on the way home.  The shower works too but my showers these days last a total of 3 minutes with my twins yelling MAMA!  MAMA!  at the door so … yeah… I cry when I’m alone in the car.

And during my Tear-A-Palooza, I tell myself that it’s okay to feel what I am feeling.  Instead of deflecting my feelings and feeling guilty, I take ownership of my feelings and embrace them.  Feeling bad for yourself does not make you a bad person.  It also does not undo the fact that the majority of the time you feel blessed, happy, and grateful for all that you have.

I know that I am blessed.  That is a fact.  And probably a good 80% of the time I am beyond grateful for the many blessings that I have in my life.  So the rest of the time I allow myself to feel a little negative – annoyed, tired, sad… you name it.  Because you know what?  I rock.  I totally do!  I, like so many women, handle a whole lot of crap day in and day out and I do it with a smile.

smsm2 I help to support my family financially; I run my house; I provide support and love to those around me, etc.  Every single day my kids are appropriately dressed, well fed, safe, happy, are learning, growing and laughing.  Go me!  Every day, I go to work and I get things accomplished.  I make a positive difference in my company and in the lives of my coworkers.  Um… go me again!  My kids ate on clean dishes today because I cooked something and ran and emptied the dishwasher.  My kids are playing on a clean floor today.  Did a fairy come to my house and clean it?  No.  Me again!  I cleaned it.  My kids are wearing clean clothes because I washed and dried several loads of laundry this week even though I didn’t want to.

Letting yourself feel bad gives allows you to battle back and results in a stronger you!
Letting yourself feel bad allows you to battle back and results in a stronger you!

So if I feel bad for myself for 15 minutes because at the end of the day I am exhausted, don’t have even a moment to myself, feel a little unappreciated, and cannot figure out how I am going to find the strength to do it all again tomorrow, then I am completely 100% entitled to feel exactly that way!    And you are too!

So embrace the bad feelings among all the good ones that you feel everyday.  Feeling bad does not undo the good.  Allowing yourself the ability to see your feelings through is healthy.  I am not a doctor but I am willing to bet that validating your sad feelings probably wards off depression.  So my advice is:  frown for a little bit in order to be better able to show off that beautiful smile of yours for the long-run!

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Beware of Dog: Avoid The Wrath of Your Inner Pit Bull

I’m a really nice person 95% of the time (okay maybe less now that I’m a sleep deprived Mother of twins).  As much as I hate to admit it, there’s a side of me that I don’t like very much. It’s a side of me that I rarely care to talk about. It’s one that people who know me well wouldn’t even believe exists.

This is Me… Most of the time.

Let me put it this way… I can turn from a nice, friendly Golden Retriever to a Rabid Pit Bull in 2 seconds flat over something that appears to be completely insignificant on the surface.

This is me… on occasion

However, if you peel away the several layers of events leading up to the Rabid Pit Bull attempting to maul your face off persona, any rational person would understand why I exploded.

Let me illustrate this scene for you.  One morning, I’m giving my son a hug and he starts acting like the 2 year old that he is and playfully head-butts me in the face.  He did this so hard that it instantly brought tears to my eyes.  My husband says… “He was just playing.  He didn’t mean it.”  I say nicely, while in a lot of pain… “I know but it still really hurt.”  So, while icing my face, I go into the kitchen to pull the corn muffins out of the oven that I was baking for breakfast.  My husband and kids come to the table.

While continuing to ice my face, I skillfully attempt to remove the corn muffins with my free hand and put them on a plate. I guess I didn’t put enough cooking spray on the pan so the muffins stuck a little.  I carefully slide the knife around the perimeter of two muffins – one for each kid – put them on a plate and begin to butter them.  While I am about to serve my children the muffins, my husband exclaims: “The corn muffins are stuck.  How do I get them out?”  Enter the Rabid Pitbull!  REALLY???  DIDN’T YOU JUST SEE ME TAKE TWO MUFFINS OUT OF THE PAN WITH A KNIFE?!  AND EVEN IF YOU DIDN’T, HOW CAN THIS BE SOMETHING THAT YOU SERIOUSLY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DO??!!

You see, the Rabid Pit Bull isn’t all bark. Sometimes, when the Pit Bull makes an appearance it just bites.  I’m not sure which Pit Bull is scarier to deal with.  The one that yells at the top of her lungs or the one that is so sarcastically biting that an actual Rabid Pit Bull would run away yelping with its tail between its legs.

Here’s an example of the biting Rabid Pit Bull… After washing and folding two loads of laundry, emptying the dishwasher, and putting something on the stove for dinner I yell “Hun the garbage is full.”  He’ll say:  “Okay” and then pauses and says: “Do you want me to take it out now?”  I yell back:  “Oh no… I think we should wait until it overflows onto the floor or until the smell becomes so overpowering that we’ll have to condemn the house.”

I know that when my husband asked me if I wanted him to take out the trash now, that I should have responded (like the nice Golden Retriever I typically am ) with a “Yes please” or “That’d be great, hun.”  But once the Rabid Pit Bull reveals its ugly face, its bite is tough to control.

It’s not a husband’s fault that his wife’s inner Pit Bull comes out.  We are just wired differently.  We have an agenda that we have to keep. If we don’t do a great job of communicating said agenda its frankly because we are too busy. We are trying to hold it all together. We wish he could read our mind and do the next item on our ever growing to-do list because what needs to be done is so blatantly obvious to us that we cannot fathom why he doesn’t see it.

So we go, go, go and do, do, do as we try to circumvent the kids who are running in our path when we are carrying and hauling too much in our hands and arms or begin the task of putting away the toys that are all over the living room floor ( didn’t we just pick these up just five minutes ago?).

Is it not understandable that we become wildly frustrated? And we can deal with this frustration for awhile. Our husbands would probably never believe it but we are really adept at handling frustration. The building blocks of frustration continue to mount and then just when you reach what you think is the brink of frustration, your unsuspecting well-intended husband asks you what you view as the dumbest question of all time: “where are my keys?”. Seconds after this question leaves his lips, the barbed wire cage holding that Rabid Pit Bull opens and the poor guy gets ripped to shreds.

So to the women like me, I think we should ask for help earlier, right when frustration begins to set in. In most cases, our husbands actually want to help us. They just don’t know how. I know.  I know.  You just wish they knew how. But they don’t. We have to accept this in order to keep the Rabid Pit Bull away.  So try your best to ask for help when you need it and remain that beautiful, sweet, Golden Retriever that you are.